Humans of the Gymnasium
This gym aficionado enters the gym each day with more waves than SRK on his birthday. She knows everyone in the gym on a first name basis and doles out everyone’s personal details on a first come first serve basis. With half an eye on her workout and the rest of her consciousness on her Instagram followers, this ‘Fit Mom’ (as her bio says) is constantly working her way up to influencer status, at least as far as the gym is concerned. What makes her most dangerous is that not only does she know everyone’s darkest secrets, but she also knows everyone’s weight!
An ardent admirer of reflective surfaces, this lifetime member is like Ravi Shastri at a Punjabi wedding on seeing the mirrors in the gym. He is a walking talking OOTD hashtag with a muscular body that just about passes the cut-off of ‘Stud’ requirements. The aforementioned body was made in a different time when the Stud was not a Stud but merely a hanger-on, thereby possessing the time required to do unearthly activities such as working-out in the gym. From eerily winking at married women to legendary Instagram bios (I single and I mingle), the Stud prowls around the gym making wide-eyed newbies prod his bulging biceps. Oh and if he really likes you, he’ll make you touch his calves too!
Now it is easy to be confused by this name. The term ‘Old-Timer’ doesn’t necessarily refer to someone old per se. It just refers to someone who was present when the gym’s bhoomi pooja was done. His claim to fame is just that he is…present…all the time. His stories are always of the old days and of people who might no longer even be alive, but who used to at some point of time smell the rarified air of ‘his’ gym. His elevator pitch is always about how close he is to the trainers and if you make the mistake of making eye contact, then there will definitely be a story thrown your way of a failed business idea with the owner of the gym.
Please note: This man also feels highly-equipped to dole out free work-out advice in large doses, purely based on the number of times he has breathed on the equipment. Newcomers beware.
The Water Cooler Guy
Reward: 1000 bucks to anyone who has seen Water Cooler Guy ever exercise. This dude joined the gym thinking he was going to be Hulk Hogan but he has unfortunately turned out to be the PT Teacher when seen by a trapped student from within a classroom: an aimless (but free) wanderer. He is above activities such as sweating and is an H2O junkie. He not only drinks water, but is also considering constructing a wooden platform near the cooler where he can sleep. A modern day hunter on a ‘machan’ waiting for thirsty prey to come. In between gulps, he strolls the length and width of the gym looking suitably constipated while giving tough guy nods to innocent people struggling to lift the weight of their childhood.
Legend has it that when The Networker was born, the first words she uttered were not ma or pa, but Amway and Tupperware. This multi-level marketing heat seeking missile is a force to be reckoned with in the gym. She will find you and network with you when you are on your back and clamouring for breath but not in a good way. From real estate deals to referral bonus negotiations with the gym owners, she wakes up in the morning fiery eyed and ready to sell. Some say that she was rejected from Amrita University’s marketing course, while others say that she is a product of human trials done by HYDRA and Linkedin… but no one really has the balls to ask. I suggest you stay away too.